"I know, that's part of the problem. I have nothing to offer anyone, I'm just a college slob."

"You can use your femme fatale."

-my friend & me, on complications of doing research in Morocco

I realized lately that most of my coworkers, at least the ones I am closer to, are in their late 20s and early 30s, many with kids. They are not so much of the younger, single, student demographic as many restaurants are. I don't know how they do it. They tell me I am young and should be able to handle anything. But I have been so disenchanted with my job lately. I believe there was one time where I thought to myself, "I like my job, maybe I wouldn't mind doing this for a while if I had to." Now I ask, what was I thinking?

Don't get me wrong, there are quite a few upsides to what I do. There is nothing like restaurant work, and anyone that's ever experienced it knows it. There are so many opportunities for crazy things to happen. It keeps me constantly moving and active. It is quite substantially true that the more and harder I work, the more I earn. I am quite comfortable where I am. My restaurant makes up the majority of my meager social life, including my significant other. I work under a GM whom I genuinely respect professionally and personally, and does her best to keep both guests and us happy.

But then there is the job itself. You know there are people that are really cut out for this kind of stuff. I heard an interview with Steve Carrell on NPR, who used to wait tables before he played a 40 year old virgin (talk about moving up in the world). He said something along the lines of how he would get personally upset when a table was dissatisfied with their experience because he felt obliged to make their outing a good one as they were investing their money in his restaurant, etc. etc. See that is the type of person made for this job. Because it practically is a show business, and what good are you if you don't care about your audience? Take my GM, too, on whom I feel the vitality of practically the entire restaurant rides. Every time a guest is unhappy she knows exactly what to say and does whatever she can to fix them up.

But me? I've never been a good saleswoman, to start with. I follow a script, but when something goes wrong, or I meet a cold table, or even in the general course of my day, I am just not motivated to put the extra energy into making my guests' experiences exceptional. If a guest gets upset or there is a problem, I follow protocols to fix it so that they are happy, but while I do have some sympathy for people investing money into me and my establishment, I am not motivated by a personal view of my work as an entertainer. It's just my job to do this stuff, and doing otherwise would only make everyone's lives more difficult. In a noncomplicated setting, I don't resist conversation or brush aside personable talk, I even welcome it if it's quiet enough, but I can't make myself the one to break the ice with all my tables like I know some people are just naturals at such things. I honestly kind of wish I was better at it, but it's just not in my wiring. And lately... lately it feels like the only day I go in ready to work is a Saturday, and even today I couldn't get myself into it. It is the same repetitive laborious day after another.

I would love a change. And not another restaurant, because the range of problems and challenges are the same in every restaurant, or in more conventional terminology: same shit, different pile. I could get one, I think to myself, a different job when I graduate, if I just start looking... and then I remember why I don't, and why I don't leave this place, and another one of the greater perks I do love about it. That I can travel, request off, and manipulate my schedule almost as I need it, and still have a great paying job. Would any entry level job that requires a college degree give me that flexibility and pay me as well as I am paid now? I don't think so. If I am wrong please forward me some offers, because I am aching for a change of scenery.